


Ginger and Honey

by Say_lon_I



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bittersweet Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Day 7, Eruri Week 2019, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 14:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20547899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Say_lon_I/pseuds/Say_lon_I
Summary: Levi knows how it ends. He knows where it goes horribly wrong before it ever becomes right. Erwin is his sun. Every second spent with him is precious. Then Erwin tells him to drive home safely; Levi doesn’t echo the sentiment.





	Ginger and Honey

**Author's Note:**

> I realize that this may be confusing, but please bear with me.

  


“You’re not going to ask why?” Erwin questions; he doesn’t sound angry or hurt, just mildly curious. It’s proof enough that it really, truly is over.

The first few times Levi _did_ ask for an explanation. He’d yelled, he’d thrown things at the far wall out of frustration. It hadn’t changed a thing. It still happened. The day would still more or less go the same way. Erwin would hesitate in approaching the subject of moving out, would apologize innocently, would give him some time to cool off under the pretense of him being late for work. In the evening, if Levi hasn’t bothered to stalk the man into his workplace like some vengeful banshee or interfered in some other way, he would get the call.

Asking would be pointless.

He sits at the kitchen table now, takes another sip of his ginger honey tea. It tastes like hot, wet dirt. “You got a good enough answer for me?” He replies with a question of his own. It could be anything; ‘_I fell out of love_', ‘_I don’t like it that you meddle into my business_', ‘_You’re a pushover, grow a spine_', '_We don’t have enough kinky sex_'; all of them perfectly good reasons in themselves. Erwin chooses to remain silent, even glances away. Levi shrugs. He _knows_. “Thought so.”

Erwin waits for a few minutes; he’s expecting the usual backlash. Levi is always easily incensed after all. When none comes, the man looks hesitant, thick brows pinched together, pushes the scrambled eggs around in his plate with his fork. He’s wearing the watch that Levi had gifted him on his thirtieth birthday. It goes well with his pale blue, crisply ironed shirt and his thinning gold hair.

“I think it would be for the best if I were to stay at a hotel until I find a new place. I’ll only be able to take whatever makes up for my immediate requirements. I can get the rest once my living arrangements are sorted out,” Erwin eventually says. Levi hasn’t made breakfast for himself because he’s known he’d lose his appetite over this exact conversation. He's already wasted perfectly good tea.

“Okay.” He nods, takes another sip. His hands or lips aren’t trembling like they used to. “I can call Gunther and he might be able to help out with the apartment hunting if you want.”

Erwin neither affirms nor says no. Instead, he sighs as if Levi is the one being unreasonable, he apologizes, and then he excuses himself because he’s getting late for work. Erwin by no means is a terrible liar, but they’ve been dating for a long, long time, for years, _decades_, and Levi isn’t as easily fooled by his straight face and his curt manner as others are. His morose, half-eaten eggs sit in the plate in abandonment.

Levi frowns and gets up to clean the table.

They’d met at a frat party in the first year of Uni. Erwin had been chugging beer straight out of a barrel and Levi had been the only one who’d bet on him finishing the whole thing without throwing up.

Erwin had thrown up. Then he’d insisted he give Levi a ride back to his student house before driving his second-hand Ford Fiesta into someone’s rose bushes. As Erwin had been trying to hatch a plan on how they’d apologize for the fuck up, Levi had taken advantage of their alcohol-addled minds and sucked faces with him until he himself had started feeling physically ill at the taste of vomit on the other’s tongue. They’d had sex a week later, and two weeks in, Erwin had asked him out on a date.

Erwin had said they weren't quite compatible a few months down the line; Levi hadn't particularly cared.

At exactly 5:21 pm Levi pulls his phone out of his pocket and waits. There’s a woman behind him waiting to get a chance at examining and comparing pancake mix prices, but he doesn’t mind her tutting.

At 5:22 pm his ringtone echoes around the aisle. It’s some cheesy pop song from some artist Isabel had dragged him to a concert of a couple of years back, though admittedly it hadn't been half bad if he can pretend to like noisy places. Erwin had always seemed fond of the music anyhow; Levi has caught him humming the same tune in multiple occasions. _It's quite quirky and fun_, the man had defended. He receives the call.

“Levi,” comes Erwin’s uncharacteristically scratchy voice. Is the man on the verge of another breakdown? Is he crying? Did he contract a cold? Levi can never tell.

“Erwin?”

“I’m sorry.” A deep inhale. Levi can hear traffic in the backdrop, the faint music from the radio, the steady thrum of Erwin’s Mercedes-Benz. He can imagine the wetness in Erwin’s pretty, blue eyes. “I’m so sorry. You don't deserve this. None of this is your fault. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Cliché. “I know.”

“You do, don't you? It’s always me. I don’t understand why.” Erwin sniffs. “I really don’t. We tried so hard, we made it work for five whole years this time despite… despite _that_. Despite _me_. We were doing so well, darling. It could have been so good, so why is it still like this?” A muffled thudding noise. Frustration. Erwin possibly hit something, and has now gone silent; Levi counts his breaths. He’s afraid he might start an avalanche if he talks out of turn. “I didn’t want it to end like this. Not after how it’d gone the last time,” Erwin continues eventually. “Do you remember that, Levi? I promised, didn’t I? I said I'd try harder. And yet I just… I couldn’t anymore. I wish I could.”

Levi says nothing, only purses his lips. His throat feels tight even though he knows what is coming, where this is leading to.

“I wish I could give you everything you wanted, everything you deserved. I wish I could make you happy, Levi.”

“I know.”

“I cared for you more than anything in the world. You have to know that.” 

_Cared_. “I know.”

A pause. “Are you not going to get angry this time, darling?” Erwin still doesn’t sound irked; just defeated. His sniffling this time sounds a little wet. “Does it not matter to you what I’m doing? Do you not care anymore?” Of course he does, but Levi doesn’t see the point in having to say something so obvious out loud. The way Erwin sounds is hurting both his ears and his heart. He thinks of hanging up, but can’t physically make himself stick to said thought. He can't. He’s the weaker one here.

Someone honks loudly on the other end. Erwin swears under his breath, almost makes Levi chuckle; _He’s cute even when he’s being all whiny and depressing_, Levi thinks. The old lady averts her gaze and pretends to compare prices on the cereal boxes. Levi moves a few steps away from her. Erwin sighs deeply.

“Where are you now?” He asks.

“At the supermarket. I'm almost done,” Levi replies. “Why?”

“I want to end things properly this time, Levi. You deserve closure. I owe it to you.” Erwin owed him nothing, in fact. Levi has been the one with the upper hand all this time. “I want us to talk. Can we?”

He’s pleading. Levi could tell him to not talk on the phone while he’s driving. He could tell him that they can talk later when he’s in a better mood, or that they don’t need to talk at all. He could tell Erwin to at least not take the usual route home, not to pass through Trost street, or to take a cab, or the bus so he doesn’t have to drive in this state. Levi knows how it ends. He’s looked into it and memorized it, lived through it several times. He knows where it goes horribly wrong before it ever becomes right. Erwin is his sun, the water to his parched throat. His smile makes Levi’s very existence worth something. Erwin is also impeccable at self-sabotage; this break up is imminent, _final_, and Levi dreads it with every fibre of his selfish being.

“Okay,” he says, his grip white-knuckled on the phone’s glass body. “We’ll talk. Come home. I’ll wait for you.”

Erwin takes a moment to respond. He sounds relieved, mildly pleased even, probably wiping his eyes on his sleeve, sighing. Levi is sure he’s holding the phone close, cradling it as if it’s most precious, because Levi is doing the same. “Thank you, darling. I’ll see you soon,” Erwin murmurs.

“Okay,” Levi repeats. Erwin is being unfair, and Levi is bad at phone calls, but he’s in so, so deep. “And Erwin?" He adds quickly. "I love you.”

He can almost hear the smile in the man’s voice as Erwin says it back. Then Erwin tells him to drive home safely; Levi doesn’t echo the sentiment.

When Erwin had been promoted a year or so back, he'd decided to buy a fancy new car with his savings, and Levi had been the first to know about it. He'd helped select it; if it had to look dorky, then Levi was at least going to make sure that it had a classy paint job.

Seeing it totalled is something he doubts he'll ever be getting used to.

He’s informed about the accident at 6:03 pm. A kind passerby who’s helped out with the ambulance and the impromptu hospital visit calls him from Erwin’s phone, says his was the most recent number in the call log. Levi, despite the past times, still feels dread curling its icy fingers around his heart. By the time he reaches the hospital, it’s already too late. They let him take one last look at that handsome face; there’s a deep gash across one cheek, hints of glass shards being pulled out of the flesh. The doctors say they tried their best, that the blood loss was too much, that some parts hadn’t been where they were supposed to be. The dread slowly ebbs away and gives way to apathy.

He nods, he pays, he thanks the hospital staff for trying or at least pretending to care. A nurse or two are crying outside the room for a complete stranger. Levi doesn’t shed a tear.

Come tomorrow, he’ll be watching Erwin chug beer straight out of a barrel. Come tomorrow, they’ll drive his shitty, old car into someone’s garden and then make out to kingdom come. Come tomorrow, he’ll live another lifetime by Erwin’s side, trying and failing to keep him, and then trying some more anyway. He’s a fool. Erwin exists in a state that’s impossible for him to achieve. Levi will wake up the next morning and see his closely cropped gold hair, gaze into his blue eyes, trace his bile covered lips with a fingertip and fall for him even deeper.

Levi isn’t sure what triggers it; sometimes he wakes up weeks before the frat party. Other times he has already had a one night stand with Erwin. Once he’d had to wait almost a year and fret over not making the same choices and missing out on his chance of attending the frat party altogether. It’s unreliable and shady; how it works, why it happens, but Levi is grateful all the same. He likes to think of it as 'destiny' these days. He's become whimsical.

He goes home and pretends to be in mourning to avoid further hassle, to avoid thinking about using the car or life insurance, to avoid selecting caskets and informing friends and colleagues of his boyfriend’s demise just yet. He doesn't want to deal with their condolences. Hanji calls seven times, but Levi doesn't bother picking up or calling them back. Dinner that evening is un-creative and uneventful; Erwin had never been a big fan of pasta arrabiata, but he’s in no position to complain right now, is he?

Levi does grieve for a bit in the shower, incidentally. It's not unusual, but hasn't happened much since the first few times. Staring at the man with the puffy, red eyes in the mirror doesn't soothe him either. The ginger and honey is heavy on his tongue as Levi reclines back in bed and shuts his eyes.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Ye, it be the angsty timeloop with heartbreak and pain. Just wanted to join the eruri party and give my own two cents of sadness. Oops?  
If you feel like yelling at me in the comments, help yourself. I probably deserve it.


End file.
